It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
