i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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