Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She told me I should be a condom model.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
