Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
