i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
