Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
