I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
