Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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