i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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