Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
