Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
