Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
