I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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