R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
