I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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