he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
