sarcasm needs its own font
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
