Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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