Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
