Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
