if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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