he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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