look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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