i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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