I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
