I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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