i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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