They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
