Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
