Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
