please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
