It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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