Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
