Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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