things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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