I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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