He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
