Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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