I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
