i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.