Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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