Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
