Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
