Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dear god my vagina.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
