So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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