In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
