Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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