my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
