Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
