I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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