Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
