got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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