i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize