I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
