I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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