The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just blew my weed a kiss
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
