this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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