ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
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I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
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I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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