Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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