but the lizard people decide everything anyway
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
