I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Girls should come with a carfax report
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
