haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
