Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
