trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
